I'm Sorry! Just Can't Get Myself Excited About "Safe"

I went on my date with regular Rick Monday night, and after 2 hours of driving and $30 worth of gas, I finally got to the bar where we'd planned to meet which was only like 10 minutes from his house, and he hadn't yet arrived, go figure. Anyhow, he did eventually get there and he was, you know, totally fine. I mean he was cute and all, kind of little-ish, just a few inches taller than I am (I'm craving a tall guy these days, for some reason) with dark, short cropped hair and a sprinkling of salt around the ears, I liked that and he did have a nice body, kind of a fire plug build, it was all just fine and dandy. Fine...I am not even the slightest bit motivated to write about this, right now, I'm sorry.

As nice and cute and decent as Rick is, I'm simply not able to muster up the motivation to see him even one more time. It just feels like what's the point? He lives 2 hours away and there really wasn't such a huge spark. But my god, now he's calling me like every hour it seems, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I'm starved for passion, that is the problem and there is no potential for that with Rick. There's the potential for a calm, safe, predictable relationship, but I just got out of a 10 year marriage heavily laden with calm, safe and predictable. I need to do the right thing and tell him honestly that I'm simply not interested, don't I? But it's so much easier to just disappear, I hate confrontation.

So what are my other options, hmmm...let's see...Well, there's soldier boy Jack, who's still kind of in the picture. We agreed to keep talking even though I won't meet him cuz he's married. So, talk we do! I swear to god, he gets me so fired up. Through mere written conversation he takes me to an unprecedented level of arousal. And don't bother asking what he says to get me there. I can't even talk to Frances about the illicit topics we discuss, I'm shocked that my mind can willingly travel to such forbidden places. Anyway, last night Jack told me that he and his wife are splitting up. Ummm...yeah, uh huh. Sure they are. I'll admit that during our chat I wanted to believe him because if he were single I'm pretty sure that I would get together with him, but don't you think that's exactly WHY he told me that? Directly following his big announcement he asked if we could see each other Friday. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at a restaurant in a neighboring town, after all, he came across as sincere about his intentions to vacate the marriage. I'm sure he probably wants to kill me because almost as soon as we got our ducks in a row, I e-mailed him to say that I'd changed my mind...again. I'm sorry, I'm really confused, it's hard to know what's real in this online dating maelstrom. I run the gamut of emotions, nearly daily. I don't know when people are being honest about their personal information much less how they truly feel about me, or even how I feel about them half the time.

I've enjoyed writing and receiving e-mails from Brad. I actually contacted him first because I loved his taste in music which he catalogued at length on his profile. Unfortunately, he's way too young for me. Frances asks, "And why exactly are you talking to this
person?" each time I feebly attempt to rationalize expending any energy at all on someone 13 years my junior. Even though I am a firm believer in the notion that true love can come in funny packages, I wasn't seriously pursuing this young man as a possible love interest. I appreciated dialog with him for its content which up until a couple of nights ago, had been strictly e-mails pertaining to our overlapping musical interests. The other evening after sending me tons of music files containing like every song ever performed by my primo, favorite band (so generous and thoughtful!!!) he Im'd me and we chatted that way for 2 straight hours at which time he said something like, "All this typing is silly, wanna just talk on the phone?" and naturally I jumped at the chance. We talked on the phone for 2 more hours and I found him charming and sweet. Out of all four hours of our conversation, neither one of us had to resort to smut to keep it spicy. We never talked about anything sexual, ever. I was smitten. Isn't it funny that I can be equally as worked up about two totally different men for polar opposite reasons? I mean Jack and I ONLY talk about sex, I am infatuated with him because of his twisted fetishes. But Brad seems so innocuous and I was completely attracted to him largely because he OMITTED the sex talk. I don't make any sense, do I? So yesterday afternoon, I started hanging around my computer at about the same time that I had first talked to Brad the day before, hoping that he'd look for me. I messed around with this blog entry but quickly hung it up (as you can see, above) and I flipped back and forth between dating sites, just dying for Brad to hit me up. And he didn't. I tend to let stuff like that paralyze me, it's like I can't function when there's a little black cloud of insecurity hovering above my head. I need regular, positive feedback from my romantic interests in order to function properly. I'm pitiful, really. I finally got up from my computer and made a halfhearted effort to clean up a little in my studio, schlumping around the place, not really doing very much with that broom in my hand. When the phone rang, I was sure it was gonna be a telemarketer or someone equally as disappointing, and lo and behold - it was Brad, I literally shouted out with glee! What a loser...am I like 12 years old, for godssakes? This time we talked only for a little while and made a tentative plan to possibly, perhaps meet today after he gets off work. My gut tells me that it won't happen, which would actually be fine. I'm too nervous to meet him, he's so young and perfect, one of the most beautiful men upon whom I have fixed my gaze. Compounding my crush, is the fact that I seriously think he is oblivious to how rarified his looks are. I have this hang up about dating guys who are way better looking than I am, anyway. I seem to do better when my beau and I possess the same calibre of looks. And you know, there is the very real possibility that Brad could take one look at me and be like "Oh No! Huh, uh!" in which case, PRESTO! Problem solved. But do I really want to subject myself to the potential for that kind of rejection? SO, even though I'm curious and I can fantasize all day long about what it would be like to date another young guy, who actually seems genuinely nice, unlike my hugest waste of time- Jimmy, it really doesn't make a lick of sense. I definitely want to stay conversant with him because the music thing is huge, but I'm half tempted to introduce him to some of my younger, more age-appropriate friends, instead of trying to claim him for myself. But back to my happiness always hinging on validation from an amour...Before Brad called I was absolutely useless, completely non-productive. The instant I hung up the phone, however, I was energized and set about tackling a number of tasks with dash. Today, I'm back in the waiting mode, unenthusiastically performing my jobs, because I haven't had my daily dose of reassurance that a man somewhere out there wants to see me or is interested in me or even likes me. I could call Rick and see him tonight, if I wanted, but he's not the one that I want to want me.

Turns out, Jack and I are gonna put our deal on hold while he looks for his new place, Brad and I scrapped our plan to meet this afternoon and I have yet to return Rick's calls so here I am, all alone for the 5th day of an entire week without my kids, an infinite amount of adult time during which I expected to be going out and making all kinds of new connections or at the very least, nurturing existing ones and what do I have to show for it? Just a mediocre outing with Rick and several cancelled dates. Sigh!