The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Saturday, August 30, 2008

When it Rains it Pours!

As I told you in my last entry, I spent a few days revamping my profile on my existing dating sites and opened a few new accounts, as well. Before that, things had become somewhat static, I mean, yes - I tossed out a few of the bad apples and that definitely changed the atmosphere, a bit, but after adjusting to their absence there was literally nothing going on. Then, after posting some new photos and registering on the MOST FUN site, ever, stuff really started happening! I was immediately welcomed to the convivial, new site by the nicest guy, William - cute and tall and eager to meet me, which I agreed to do last Tues. night. Listen to how weird this part is, though...Remember that other time when I was driving out of town and Jimmy texted me and as soon as we said "Good-Bye" we passed each other going opposite directions, on the highway? Well, the same thing happened as I was driving to my appointments, Tues. evening - only this time instead of texting, we small-talked it on the phone for a bit, until he finally came up off the real reason he'd called...surprise, surprise! He wanted to know if I would hang out with him that night. Do you have any idea of how much pleasure it gave me to flat out DENY him? Right about the time I was rubbing his nose in the fact that I was on my way to make the acquaintance of an eligible suitor, we passed each other on the road, a g a i n...bizarre! Anyway - back to the point of the story. It was coincidental that I happened to be heading to a town very near where he, my date, William lived, to have a consultation at a match-making service which I had mistaken for a regular online dating site while ravenously searching for fresh ones, a few nights before. Sucker that I am, I got rooked into going through all the motions with these folks, which included filling out a lengthy online app., a phone interview and now a consultation in their office. As soon as I walked into the place, I knew that this was not going to be a good fit. I got the distinct feeling that this was a service better suited for a higher-end clientele, which I most certainly am not! I looked seriously out of place in my hippie skirt and flip flops. Every girl who worked there was like 7 ft. tall and meticulously dressed to the nines, to put it mildly. I took the mandatory test that they insisted I complete and when the high gloss W.A.S.P. who was my "case worker" sashayed her tight, little ass back into the office where I was waiting, I very quickly assured her that it probably wouldn't be necessary for us to continue this interview...that I didn't want to waste her time. She asked why and I, without hesitation, grilled her about the fees which would apply if I were to become a client, cuz to be very honest, I had no extra money to spend on something like this. She asked if I could afford $100 - $200 a month and I said that I absolutely could not. She left me in that damned office for what felt like an eternity, while she "graded" my test and when she came back in she basically fired me. I was like, "You can't fire me woman, I already QUIT!" Anyway, my consolation was the fact that I still had my date with William, to which I was looking forward - oh bliss! I arrived at the sophisticated bar where we were to meet and called to let him know that I was there, and he said that he'd be along promptly...I jumped and let out shriek when he snuck up behind me, placed both of his hands firmly on my shoulders, and whispered "Hi" in my ear! It was actually kind of funny...guess I must've been pretty zoned out on the televised World Series of Poker to have so completely missed his entrance. As I collected myself, he got comfortable on the bar stool next to me. He was the right amount of tall and he had a pleasant face and a lean, fit body. The thing that I really liked about him was his southern accent, he was born in Texas, after all. He had nice teeth, too. I couldn't believe it when he asked me if that was my Datsun in the parking deck, I was like, "What? How did you know that?" I mean it wasn't like mine was the only car in there, the place was practically full! He just said that he had a feeling - huh! He pulled a lot of funny faces while he talked and while listening to my stories...very expressive. I completely, unintentionally dominated most of our conversation and I'm not sure why it ended up that way. I tried to lead into topics that would give him center stage, but it always reverted back to me and my life. It felt sorta self-indulgent, but he seemed genuinely into it. So, the date went well, we closed down the bar where we met and he walked me to my car where we stood and gushed over how much fun we'd had, he grabbed me up and nervously placed his hand on the side of my face and kissed me, it was a very good kiss, I am particular! Bottom line, I love kissing and especially...being kissed, not necessarily MORE than fucking, but It's kinda like: kissing is to fucking what X-mas Eve is to X-mas Day. I'm always way more excited on X-mas Eve because I'm enthralled by that magical state of overwhelming anticipation of what's gonna happen the next day. Christmas day, however, can be bittersweet, even melancholy, you know, once you've opened all your gifts, it's borderline depressing, all that build-up and then, just like that - it's OVER! Not that getting to that point in a relationship when you have actual sex, is depressing, it's just the kissing stage is still so innocent and feels so good and full of promise and my god! The tension. Plus a date which is punctuated by a great kiss, and nothing more than that, is quintessentially sublime. Every time you relive it in your mind on the way home, your tummy does flips and electricity shoots through your body and out to your finger tips. I just love that! Oops! Where was I? Oh yeah, so once when we came up for air, William asked me if I was embarrassed and I was like, "Embarrassed of what?" it was only then that I noticed there were tons of people getting into their cars all around us while we'd been sucking face. "Oh, that...I don't care about that one bit, you?" he shook his head "No" and we went right back to business. When our make out session had reached it's pinnacle we decided to call it a night. By this time, we were the only people left in the garage, or so we thought. Turns out, a few yards away from us was another couple enjoying a similar crescendo to their own date.

I went home and felt excited about WIlliam, but I still wasn't 100%. What is it with me? Am I incapable of being satisfied with any man, period? Am I simply too hyper-critical to ever find a mate? Well, whatever,'s where the "when it rains it pours" bit comes in. So, I liked William, but obviously not enough to NOT search around like a fiend for other contenders, the very night after our date. There had been this one awesomely cute guy, Christopher, upon whom I stumbled at roughly the same time that William had contacted me and whose profile was missing a lot of critical basic data, nonetheless, I was captivated by his apparent chutzpah and wit and this all came across through very few, but well-chosen words, I was enraptured. It didn't hurt that his pics. were adorable! I was spellbound by his bright, charming smile which produced a prominent dimple in his right cheek, swoon! After engaging in several staring contests with his profile photos, I gave in to temptation and wrote to him. It's funny to me, that during the 13 hours between my initial e-mail and his eventual reply, I could get myself in such a wad, wondering when I might hear back or, perish the thought - that I might NOT. It seemed to take forever for me to receive his first e-mail but when I finally did - I let out an audible "YES!" ( I now do this every time I get a note from him, it's totally out of my control) anyhow, I was ecstatic! Again, his reserved, dry wit captivated me. I laughed so hard when he jokingly confessed to having a one inch penis, "One inch long or wide?" I nervously inquired. There was a pause in our communication which conveniently coincided with my date with William, but in no time we were IM-ing and even turned on our webcams, and NO! There was no nudity involved, it was PG-rated behavior at the worst (a webcam first?) and I couldn't have been more delighted! I liked this guy. By the time we finally hung up, this first night on the webcam, it was 1:45 and I had to get up pretty danged early, the next morning. Normally before I shut down my computer, no matter how much fun I've been having with whomever, I always take one last look at each dating site that matters to me, to see if I've missed anything. This night, I had no desire, I was satiated, so I ex-ed out the IM screen on which we'd been chatting, but underneath was another screen and there was preciously adorable, young and gorgeous, great taste in music Brad trying to IM me, on the same, FUN new, hip site on which I found Christopher. Dilemma!!! He is so cute, should I be greedy and deprive myself of much-needed sleep just to mingle with a man who makes no sense for me or should I do, perish the thought the responsible thing, and hit the hay before I'm rendered useless in the a.m.? I opted to shut down my computer, I hated to leave him dangling like that, cuz he is amazing, but I was content after my convo. with Christopher, for real. This guy had triggered very atypical behavior from me, two firsts in one night, not a bad average, I dug it. During the next few days, I loosely kept in touch with William, he was sort of holding the back-burner post, while I focused my energy and attention on cultivating something with Christopher, terrible to admit, I know but that's the nature of the online dating beast. Quite honestly, even though William is reserved about his communication, gives me plenty of space and all, I get the feeling if I said "Boo!" he'd jump right at the chance to be with me indefinitely. He just says stuff that is a touch premature, considering we've seen each other all of...once. I think part of Christopher's allure is the fact that he has self-control, or maybe he's not fully interested, but either way, I like that he's more of a challenge, it's that danger boy element. He's not overly-eager and toooo willing. Keeps me manageably insecure and for whatever reason, that is extremely attractive to me. And on top of all that excitement, Cincinnati Dean keeps hounding me to let him see me on the webcam. I have adamantly reiterated, that I will not go there anymore. But wait, there's more! Long ago in the very beginning of all this ridiculousness, I met a guy, Zach who got all up in my grill about mentioning Anguilla in my profile. He said I needed to stop talking about it cuz I was gonna spoil the secret for everybody else! The nerve of that guy! But, even though I hated to admit it - I did kind of see his point. Obviously, I didn't want him to know that, so I curtly e-mailed him back that I'd eliminated that blip from my profile and asked if he was happy, now. He conspicuously neglected to ever mention it again and after stumbling out of the starting gate, we managed to strike up a startlingly friendly, fairly regular correspondence with one other. He was intelligent and cool, and also a professional but unfortunately he lived in Manhattan, so I never took any of it too seriously. When my membership for that site came due, I opted not to renew, it just hadn't been such a good one, really, and so we lost touch with each other. That is, until about a week ago after I'd recently re-activated that particular account (still not such a good one) and voila! He resurfaced. We exchanged a few "how do you do's" and that was all fine and stuff, but over the weekend while were IM-ing, for the first time, he asked me what I thought about him and me you know like if we were ever to get together (doubtful) and I said, "Well, all I know is that we fought just as soon as we met, but somehow, we're still together, ha, ha!" to which he replied "I know, I think that's a sign" He was definitely putting on way more heat than he had in the old days and he was curious to know if after our many but brief conversations, I had gleaned what it was, exactly that he was looking for in a relationship. I guess I just assumed that he was looking for something at least similar to my ideal romance, which would be to most people, considered a somewhat traditional bf/gf situation. Uhhh...not so. He gingerly threw out morsel after morsel to slowly educate me and even though I wasn't quick to grasp this introduction to his unusual obsession, eventually...I did get it. Turns out Zach can only be happy in a cuckold relationship. Believe me, it took going to for me to fully comprehend this unfamiliar penchant. In a nutshell, he wants his lover in an otherwise "normal" relationship to cheat on him. He doesn't want a threesome, he has no interest in watching her have sex with the other men, he just needs to know that it has happened, regularly, in order for him to thrive. He is admittedly submissive but not into S & M. I gotta tell ya', the whole thing made me say "Huh?". I am a monogamous person when I am in love, I wouldn't dare go out on my lover just for shits and giggles, but for him this would be essential in order for him to find contentment within the relationship. I just couldn't believe that he wouldn't go completely balistic, if his woman walked into his apartment and fessed up to having just fucked some other guy, what man could stomach that? He swears that it has the complete opposite effect on him and that when/if we ended up together and things happened precisely that way, he would more than likely carry me to the bedroom and fuck me, himself. I assured him that if I were ever to partake in such a unique relationship, safe sex would be mandatory for all the obvious reasons but in particular, to spare him the unpleasantness of having to "stir the puddin'" (forgive me!) and he said that he would LOVE to stir the puddin'. Huh...I just couldn't fathom this going out on your bf could ever be palatable in a serious, committed, loving relationship (which is, after perennial golden ring) Needless to say, it took me a minute to get my brain wrapped around the whole notion. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that oftentimes, my break-ups occur when I've become bored or complacent, so I flee because I'm jonesin' for something new and different and since I don't WANT to cheat, I feel it's better to break up before it comes to that. I'm not saying I have been perfect in this regard, there is one tragic slip-up in my romantic past; leading up to our eventual demise, I was TRYING to make a split, unfortunately the other person involved was in complete denial and refused to accept the inevitable and before ties were officially severed, I made a boo boo. Anyway, back to Zach...crazy as it sounds, there was this part of me that thought of the cuckold relationship as being, quite possibly the consummate partnership. Well, at least for someone like myself, who when I finally do fall in love - it's hard and deep, but outta nowhere my short, little attention span can sabotage even the most glittering union. I do the math.

Friday, August 22, 2008

A-feared For Mah Fool Life

Miss me? I've definitely missed you guys! I've taken the last few days off from writing to close out summer vaycay with my kids (and the random, stray kids who seem to wind up at our house, daily) while simultaneously opening a few fresh online dating accounts as well as revamping my existing profiles with new pics....AND - reassessing my online dating m.o.. Here's what's happened...Last Friday at the end of the day at my new job (as a helper for an independent contractor - rewarding, hard work which I love!) I was talking with my boss and my one other co-worker about the fact that I had agreed to go out that night with Soldier Boy Jack, and that I was scared shitless because I felt there was the potential for me to not make it out of the date alive, for real. I just had no way of knowing how serious he was about acting out all of the kinky stuff that we'd discussed trying together. All I knew was that we'd determined there might be a serious need to implement a "safe word" and what that said to me was that there was the very real possibility for ME to end up in a threatening/dangerous/sketchy/ situation in which I might feel the need to be saved or rescued from a scary, dark uncertain fate resting in the very hands of the aggressor from whom I hoped to escape by using said "safe word". Does that make sense? I told my workmates that if I turned up missing, the police could find everything they'd need, in order to begin the investigation into my disappearance, on my trusty ole Mac - which would willingly divulge all. We nervously chuckled about such a silly notion but it was evident that everyone was truly concerned, mostly ME, of course! I headed towards home and into my weekend - hopeful that maybe Jack would turn the tables and blow ME off this time since I'd been the one to beg off all of the other times. On the drive home I was thinking about how it might bruise my pride a bit, if he bailed out of our tentative date, and I was also worrying about letting him down, once more, if I chickened out again - but screw that, right! Mostly, I was having second thoughts about intentionally causing a collision between the two very different worlds of safe, erotic and satisfying Cyber sex and real live, human interaction. At this point, I had a specific group of men with whom I'd messed around exclusively over the webcam and/or with whom I'd carried on lascivious conversations via IM and over the phone, there was nothing real nor tangible in that seedy fantasyland. It was dependably titillating but always at arms length, so to speak. The only guys I'd ever met in person were the ones with whom polite but interesting conversation was the segue to a traditional, good ole-fashioned date. Here's the thing, because online sex takes place with the safe buffer of space and technology between its participants, I believe it lends itself to more open, uninhibited interactions, folks are more apt to talk about or even perform acts that in real life might feel over-the-top, especially considering they usually transpire between virtual strangers. An added bonus is the fact that online sex is readily available. Normally I don't have to seek out a playmate because most nights, I am propositioned by some eager tool, sometimes several. I can take my pick or not, depending on how I'm feeling at that particular moment. I keep a core group of stopgaps (by now, you must be well-acquainted with this revolving line-up) and rely on them to entertain me in the absence of anything new brewing. Some keep ME on standby, in the hopes that I might safely, conveniently assist them in filling that unmistakable void, should the mood strike. I don't have to put on makeup or get all giddy and nervous, they just keep clambering back for more and it's evidently for something other than my mediocre looks, heh, heh! Shit just happens and then it's done and everybody goes their own, separate ways, it's satisfying and uncomplicated in its purest form. And, it is FINALLY starting to sink in through my thick skull and down into my feeble brain that these are people who I WILL NEVER MEET and with whom I have NO ROMANTIC FUTURE, it simply is what it is. Real live dates, on the other hand, for me at least, are the direct by-product of traditional courting and generally innocent, innocuous flirting and yet, it's on some of these real live dates that I have felt my personal boundaries were breached and I consequently ended up in truly frightening situations in which I was forced to surrender to an indomitable perpetrator. My point is, to the naked eye, the online stuff appears dirty and lewd, which it certainly is, but I've never felt that I was in any danger because of my actions online, even though the element of naughtiness keeps the level of excitement at a fevered pitch. Real dating, starts off all lily-white and pure but has a history, speaking only from my own experiences, of reaching a much more minacious conclusion. Needless to say, the idea of winding up face to face with Jack, the person with whom I've entertained delving into the most elaborately erotic acts that I've ever considered, was prohibitive, to say the least...on many levels. It's easy to talk about doing crazy shit together and at the time, you convince yourself that it's something you might actually not only be able to pull off, but might even thoroughly enjoy. But when faced with the reality that you might seriously have to perform these twisted maneuvers, suddenly it loses lots of its allure and instead becomes a redoubtable prospect. The other thing though, was the fact I had severed ties with pretty much all of my old stand-bys and Jack was the only guy left of my faithful online pervs.. There wasn't really a suitable replacement waiting in the wings, so if I cut the cord with Jack, I was essentially going to be alone...again. All this waffling back and forth wound up to be a complete waste of energy cuz immediately after I plunked myself down in front of my computer, I was instantly contacted by Jack and he quickly blamed being in a mad panic to vacate his home as the reason for postponing our date, that night. He acted like he needed to be out and about doing god knows what, in preparation for his hasty relocation. I think I may never have been soooo relieved in all my life! "You're not upset are you?" he sweetly inquired. "Heavens NO! You go do what you have to do" If I hadn't been typing, I would've high-fived myself. Plus, now I felt free to peruse my favorite sites unhindered because I figured there would be no chance of him spotting me on the various sites on which our paths usually cross, thus eliminating the opportunity for him to monopolize my valuable time with his antics. I buzzed around from site to site during which time 2 of the three Cincinnati boys simultaneously tried to IM me on different sites. I was shocked and I'm proud to say that I answered - neither. But I also noticed that every time that I visited this one particular site, I came across Jack and each time I discovered that he had logged in more recently than the last time that I'd seen him hunting around. This gave me pause, because hadn't he dumped me for the night to sort out all of his separation issues? And yet here he was galavanting around the internet looking for, I supposed, some new hottie. It wasn't like my feelings were really hurt or anything stupid like that, but more that I felt the fool for falling for his "You are the only woman I talk to" sham. Turned out, he was just as shifty and insincere as the rest of 'em. K, so along with the Cincinnati boys, Jack was officially kicked to the curb, which left me with, one to play with. This was my motivation to post new photos, which meant actually snapping new ones and so I did, immediately. I joined a couple of new dating sites, one of which I absolutely LOVE!!! It's the most enormous collection of my type of guys that I have ever run across, real quality men! Not to mention, the site is hip and witty and cleverly fun! In fact, by Tuesday night I had already gone on a date with a great, new guy who lives only an hour away from me (more on that, later!)

The good news is, that for these last few days - following my profile updates and new memberships I have tapped into a whole new world of fresh faces and possibilities, including a new online sex buddy and let me assure you, he is 100% bad-ass! (More on THAT, later too!) It feels a little bit like I'm starting fresh, you know? I'm amazed that simply posting a couple of new photos on my existing profiles has generated so much attention. The timing could not be more perfect, either. My immersion into these new sites has definitely kept me immune from relapsing back into the questionable relationships in which I was previously entangled, and from which I have managed to (at least temporarily) extricate myself.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"Nice Tits!"

I must be bored, I only posted the last entry like 30 minutes ago and here I am starting a new one. The funny thing is, I don't really have anything exciting to report. I'm a little afraid that my online dating well is running dry, things are painfully slow, tonight. I've got to get out my divining rod and tap into a new reservoir. Do you think I've met everybody there is to meet and now I'm doomed to be lonely forever. Where the heck is WVa. Scott? Isn't he back from his trip, yet? There is that one guy who sent me the e-mail with "Nice Tits" in the subject line. I was flattered, (naturally) but also a little taken aback by his brazenness. And yet, ever hopeful that this skilled lady's man could be "the one" I opened his note and was brokenhearted to read, "Four kids? You've gotta be kidding, no one is gonna contact you!" What?! But I thought he liked my tits?

I am constantly amazed by people on these sites. If it's not their unbelievable profile pictures then it's the weak words with which they try to woo you. (How was that for little alliteration?) I often come across usernames which make me smile like: Wood4You (could I really be so lucky?) or bedrmeyez (three separate pictures left no doubt that his eyes really were crossed) ydoilooksosexy (I'm like, did someone TELL you that you looked sexy?) theXSpurt, eh hemmm, fowlplay (he was from the country), samboner (need I say more?), and notatroll (that, my friend, is strictly a matter of opinion!) just to name a few.

One of my all-time favorites is a guy who had me on his Favorites list for awhile (Yea!) His user name was "BingoCaller" and in his introduction he said, "I'm a single guy who plays with his balls! All 75 of them, I call bingo at a local organization" Ok, that alone was enough to make me say, hmmmm. But it was his photo that painted the real picture. It was a close-up head shot, taken from the unflattering vantage point of a little below his face and at an angle, effectively emphasizing at least two of his prominent chins. It appeared that he was wearing an orange, prison issue jumpsuit and with the bingo-calling mic. in front of his face, you almost had the feeling that the shot was taken in the midst of a press conference during which he answered questions regarding his recent admission to being America's most recently nabbed serial killer. His beady eyes were obscured by thick glasses and there was a glare which made him look slightly cross-eyed, YUCK! It was nothing short of CREEPY. I think that he was even from a town called Creepsaburg, I'm not shitting you!

Another good one who kept considering me a "Favorite" was "Mr. Dreisdale". (Wasn't Mr. Dreisdale a character on the wildly successful TV show, Green Acres or was it The Beverly Hillbilly's?) I was never sure if this guy was calling himself "Mr. Dreisdale" because he was under the misguided notion that emulating a Green Acres/Beverly Hillbilly's-ish persona would help him bag babes, or was he coincidentally blessed (?) with the name Dreisdale and just happened to bear an unfortunate resemblance to someone who could easily have been a secondary character on these shows, hard to say, but it was nothing short of astonishing that someone who claimed to be 39 years old could be so toothless and haggardly, very impressive. Needless to say, I jumped at the chance to help him live out all of his wildest fantasies......NOT!

On a similar hillbilly bent is a fella who regularly pops up at the top of my screen as someone who (much to my delight!) has "viewed my profile" Ahhh, such bliss...This desirable, eligible bachelor advertises himself with a photo in which he is bedecked in a classic pair of old-fashioned, American overalls. I know. That alone is enough to make a girl scream and shout, but get this...he has cut out the main portion of the bib part, in an apparent effort to release his enormous belly from its former restraint. I'm talking about a prominent tummy here, round and shiny with a deep, dark cave of a belly button. Hungry, yet? I guess the fact that he's wielding a Ball jar containing some mystery beverage could explain his interesting wardrobe choice as well as the fact that he was so willing to pose for this utterly unflattering photo. Most of us have a few pics. like that in our dark pasts, but why the hell did he choose that particular picture to best represent himself on a dating website? Jesus!

You know though, the joke will so totally be on me when these losers end up finding their happiness with their perfect match, before I do.

A really GOOD profile picture can have the completely opposite effect on me. Awhile back I kept stumbling across the most dreamy image of a man named E_Smith and I could not stop drooling over his image. I think part of why I liked him so much was because he reminded me of a guy who lives here in my town and on whom I've always had a bit of a crush. Alas, the target of my in-town crush is married, so I keep a lid on it. But E_Smith was available and he had that look, loose hairstyle, dark and thick...bright, twinkling eyes with a devilish glint...pearly white smile, dimples, nice nose and I loved that he was wearing a navy blue, v-neck sweater over a plain white tee...his shoulders were broad. Also, his picture was taken inside of his house, (I assumed) and I liked his decorating style...even the paint color on the walls. He projected an image of relaxed polish and I couldn't put off contacting him, any longer. He politely responding to my e-mail, saying that he really wanted to date closer to where he lived and that I happened to be outside of his geographical dating zone. K, fine, I thanked him for his honesty and continued my search. But E_Smith's ambrosial head shot would pop up every so often and even though he made it pretty clear that he wasn't interested, I just couldn't resist striking up dialog again by asking him if he'd had any luck finding a gal, yet...or something equally as transparent. This went on and on for what seems like forever until I finally broke him down and he agreed to meet me, yippee! I was so excited, I drove to where he lives and waited at the bar which he chose, for at least an hour past the time upon which we'd agreed to meet, hmmm. All the other folks in the bar were so cool. They kept boosting my plummeting spirits by telling me that my date must be too chicken to meet me and what a dumbass he was to blow me off...all very sweet. My blind date as well as online dating in general, was turning into everyone's entertainment for the evening. I went into elaborate detail about my experiences, enthusiastically recounting my most entertaining tales. No matter how much fun I was having with the local barflies though, the reality was that if I didn't admit defeat and retreat soon, I would risk losing what little dignity I still possessed. I was seconds away from hightailin' it outta there, when we all saw a man approach the door and everyone knew instantly that it was E_Smith and I immediately knew that we were not going to be a good match. Bummer! It had nothing to do with being disappointed by his physical looks, honestly - it was his crisp white, button down shirt with some sort of country club insignia on the pocket. He was way too highfalutin for me and he knew it as well as I did. I am too much of a tomboy, roughish around the edges and something of a slob, so much of the time.

We did have fun on our date, honestly - being at that bar was the best part. It was a neighborhood dive which is my kind of venue, and they was a vast collection of board games and stuff: Operation, Jenga, foosball...and E_Smith and I played them all! So, in that regard the date wasn't a total loss, we did have a good time. But I guess, most important of all - I was finally able to get E_Smith off of my mind, for good.

Ah yes...another one scratched off the list.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I'm Sorry! Just Can't Get Myself Excited About "Safe"

I went on my date with regular Rick Monday night, and after 2 hours of driving and $30 worth of gas, I finally got to the bar where we'd planned to meet which was only like 10 minutes from his house, and he hadn't yet arrived, go figure. Anyhow, he did eventually get there and he was, you know, totally fine. I mean he was cute and all, kind of little-ish, just a few inches taller than I am (I'm craving a tall guy these days, for some reason) with dark, short cropped hair and a sprinkling of salt around the ears, I liked that and he did have a nice body, kind of a fire plug build, it was all just fine and dandy. Fine...I am not even the slightest bit motivated to write about this, right now, I'm sorry.

As nice and cute and decent as Rick is, I'm simply not able to muster up the motivation to see him even one more time. It just feels like what's the point? He lives 2 hours away and there really wasn't such a huge spark. But my god, now he's calling me like every hour it seems, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I'm starved for passion, that is the problem and there is no potential for that with Rick. There's the potential for a calm, safe, predictable relationship, but I just got out of a 10 year marriage heavily laden with calm, safe and predictable. I need to do the right thing and tell him honestly that I'm simply not interested, don't I? But it's so much easier to just disappear, I hate confrontation.

So what are my other options, hmmm...let's see...Well, there's soldier boy Jack, who's still kind of in the picture. We agreed to keep talking even though I won't meet him cuz he's married. So, talk we do! I swear to god, he gets me so fired up. Through mere written conversation he takes me to an unprecedented level of arousal. And don't bother asking what he says to get me there. I can't even talk to Frances about the illicit topics we discuss, I'm shocked that my mind can willingly travel to such forbidden places. Anyway, last night Jack told me that he and his wife are splitting up. Ummm...yeah, uh huh. Sure they are. I'll admit that during our chat I wanted to believe him because if he were single I'm pretty sure that I would get together with him, but don't you think that's exactly WHY he told me that? Directly following his big announcement he asked if we could see each other Friday. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at a restaurant in a neighboring town, after all, he came across as sincere about his intentions to vacate the marriage. I'm sure he probably wants to kill me because almost as soon as we got our ducks in a row, I e-mailed him to say that I'd changed my mind...again. I'm sorry, I'm really confused, it's hard to know what's real in this online dating maelstrom. I run the gamut of emotions, nearly daily. I don't know when people are being honest about their personal information much less how they truly feel about me, or even how I feel about them half the time.

I've enjoyed writing and receiving e-mails from Brad. I actually contacted him first because I loved his taste in music which he catalogued at length on his profile. Unfortunately, he's way too young for me. Frances asks, "And why exactly are you talking to this
person?" each time I feebly attempt to rationalize expending any energy at all on someone 13 years my junior. Even though I am a firm believer in the notion that true love can come in funny packages, I wasn't seriously pursuing this young man as a possible love interest. I appreciated dialog with him for its content which up until a couple of nights ago, had been strictly e-mails pertaining to our overlapping musical interests. The other evening after sending me tons of music files containing like every song ever performed by my primo, favorite band (so generous and thoughtful!!!) he Im'd me and we chatted that way for 2 straight hours at which time he said something like, "All this typing is silly, wanna just talk on the phone?" and naturally I jumped at the chance. We talked on the phone for 2 more hours and I found him charming and sweet. Out of all four hours of our conversation, neither one of us had to resort to smut to keep it spicy. We never talked about anything sexual, ever. I was smitten. Isn't it funny that I can be equally as worked up about two totally different men for polar opposite reasons? I mean Jack and I ONLY talk about sex, I am infatuated with him because of his twisted fetishes. But Brad seems so innocuous and I was completely attracted to him largely because he OMITTED the sex talk. I don't make any sense, do I? So yesterday afternoon, I started hanging around my computer at about the same time that I had first talked to Brad the day before, hoping that he'd look for me. I messed around with this blog entry but quickly hung it up (as you can see, above) and I flipped back and forth between dating sites, just dying for Brad to hit me up. And he didn't. I tend to let stuff like that paralyze me, it's like I can't function when there's a little black cloud of insecurity hovering above my head. I need regular, positive feedback from my romantic interests in order to function properly. I'm pitiful, really. I finally got up from my computer and made a halfhearted effort to clean up a little in my studio, schlumping around the place, not really doing very much with that broom in my hand. When the phone rang, I was sure it was gonna be a telemarketer or someone equally as disappointing, and lo and behold - it was Brad, I literally shouted out with glee! What a I like 12 years old, for godssakes? This time we talked only for a little while and made a tentative plan to possibly, perhaps meet today after he gets off work. My gut tells me that it won't happen, which would actually be fine. I'm too nervous to meet him, he's so young and perfect, one of the most beautiful men upon whom I have fixed my gaze. Compounding my crush, is the fact that I seriously think he is oblivious to how rarified his looks are. I have this hang up about dating guys who are way better looking than I am, anyway. I seem to do better when my beau and I possess the same calibre of looks. And you know, there is the very real possibility that Brad could take one look at me and be like "Oh No! Huh, uh!" in which case, PRESTO! Problem solved. But do I really want to subject myself to the potential for that kind of rejection? SO, even though I'm curious and I can fantasize all day long about what it would be like to date another young guy, who actually seems genuinely nice, unlike my hugest waste of time- Jimmy, it really doesn't make a lick of sense. I definitely want to stay conversant with him because the music thing is huge, but I'm half tempted to introduce him to some of my younger, more age-appropriate friends, instead of trying to claim him for myself. But back to my happiness always hinging on validation from an amour...Before Brad called I was absolutely useless, completely non-productive. The instant I hung up the phone, however, I was energized and set about tackling a number of tasks with dash. Today, I'm back in the waiting mode, unenthusiastically performing my jobs, because I haven't had my daily dose of reassurance that a man somewhere out there wants to see me or is interested in me or even likes me. I could call Rick and see him tonight, if I wanted, but he's not the one that I want to want me.

Turns out, Jack and I are gonna put our deal on hold while he looks for his new place, Brad and I scrapped our plan to meet this afternoon and I have yet to return Rick's calls so here I am, all alone for the 5th day of an entire week without my kids, an infinite amount of adult time during which I expected to be going out and making all kinds of new connections or at the very least, nurturing existing ones and what do I have to show for it? Just a mediocre outing with Rick and several cancelled dates. Sigh!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Time to Separate the Wheat from the Chaff

Directly following getting an ear-full from Frances yesterday morning, about even contemplating mixing it up with married, soldier boy Jack and for making poor choices in general, I got online to work on the blog but my good intentions were promptly derailed when adorable Roy made his first morning-time appearance, ever. And this time I got to SEE him in the corner of the IM window, broadcasting himself live for my benefit, also a first. He looked very different from his profile pics.. He had a more serious face, really full lips and eyes that kinda sloped upwards, different - I liked how he looked. He had a better build than I'd realized too, massive arms and chest. Anyway we made our way through the prerequisite small talk, during which time he mentioned that he would be going out of town for a week and a half, soon. I asked to where, and he said, Ohio. I was like "Really? Where in Ohio?" and he said, Cincinnati to visit family...Hmmmm...another Cincinnati boy? What are the chances?....Anyway, I knew where this transparent chit chat was inevitably leading, and honestly, if I weren't such a "morning person", I would've skedaddled because frankly, I had tons of shit to do! But he was awfully cute up there on my monitor..."Oh...all right, I'll do it!" Jeez - I am such a sucker! It was obvious that he was already feeling the love so to speak, so I got right to the meat of the day's story and he seemed to be diggin' it, but it was distracting the way he kept looking away at something, his eyes fixing on an indeterminable target. I finally asked him what he was looking at and he said "ESPN" In my mind I was like, "Goddamn! Can't you at least give me undivided attention, I'm working like a dog over here to get YOUR ass off!" Devoted servant that I am, however, I enthusiastically verbally illustrated one glorious sexual scenario after another, despite his annoying fascination with the sports news show and his apparent inability to finish. I was about to throw in the towel when he offered up some ideas to speed up the process which I immediately enacted and - voila! Success! Mere seconds after he was through he made some limp excuse about being beat, and he was the heck out the door. K, Bye...

I spent the next 2 1/2 hours atop my riding mower mulling over all the recent occurrences. I know, this is a complete about-face from my last entry, but here's the deal...I sat on that lawn tractor for 2 1/2 hours thinking about nothing other than all the shit that has been going on with me and my online men and I realized that like a fool, I have been mistaking all their attention for actual interest in ME, the person, when truth be told, all these jackleg suitors are about is getting their rocks off. I thrive on being fawned over and adored and naively overlook the brutal reality that these guys just want me to jerk them off and literally as soon as they shoot their wads, they're outta there. There's no intimacy, no cuddling or spooning afterwards, no pillow talk. They never intend to meet me, as they indicate in their thinly-veiled promises that we'll act out all of these elaborate fantasies in person some day, that's just their way of ensuring that I keep coming back for more. What would be the point in complicating such a sublime situation? They have everything they need coming directly into their living rooms via their computer screens, compliments of me - resident cyper sex slut - and minus the headaches associated with maintaining a regular bf/gf relationship. But here, let me digress a bit...Don't you think it's weird that two out of my current Top Five Faves are from Cincinnati along with my original favorite, Mark? I mean it's not entirely out of the question that these bastards are in cahoots, some way. Could be they're friends or relatives, god knows what - but if that's the case then it feels a little like I may be the butt of a very cruel joke, or maybe I'm the victim of an online gang bang and these guys are just passing me around between each other or something sick like that. I just find it suspicious that they all three have such eerily similar styles of interacting with me. Maybe I'm hyper-paranoid to concoct such a notion, it could be that Ohio men are just bred some fucked up way that they end up mistreating women identically and that they're raised to be the world's biggest horn dogs. I ran the whole synopsis by Frances, cuz I was convincing myself that I have serious issues with paranoia and she seemed to think the whole concept was completely conceivable. Regardless, it's definitely a little strange that out of all the cities in the world, I've had so many run-ins with guys from Cincinnati? No matter, I've decided that I'm not doing it anymore. Oh, and on that note...Did I mention that out of the dark recesses of my black past, Mark reemerged on Friday. I haven't heard from him, outside of a few poignant texts and e-mails since he had his little tantrum and huffed off after reading The Big Ugly. So Friday he texted numerous times and even tried to call once, I guess in an attempt to schmooze his way back into my boudoir (probably some sort of bet with the other Ohio boys) Finally, he said that he was offering an olive branch "Y?" I asked, hopeful that he may profess some deep affection for me and his inability to function properly since he banished me from his life...HA! He answered by saying, "Why not?" Touching, no?

Today seems like as good a day as any to wipe the slate clean of all the schmucks and make a concerted effort to focus my attention on quality men, who fit inside of the dating parameters within which I've been so remiss about operating. There will be no more funny business with any of the three Cincinnati boys, and I've already written a note declining Jack's invitation to have a clandestine meeting, tomorrow - I just can't do it, no matter how tantalizing his offer. I think I'll concentrate on Regular Rick since, geographically, he's the most sensible choice. But I plan on keeping WVa. Scott on retainer, as well - I believe that he would actually be worth a 3 1/2 hour drive. I'm not gonna beat myself up too badly about becoming briefly mired in the darker side of online dating, though. I'll just chalk it up to sowing a few wild oats, how's that? It was fun while it lasted but that kind of behavior has a limited shelf life and my experience has quite obviously reached the expiration date. Fortunately, I've escaped real harm and I don't believe I've hurt anyone. I was merely engaging in pointless but safe sex, basically the equivalent of watching porn to masturbate.

Hey, here's the cool thing...regular Rick called this afternoon and we made a plan to meet for drinks and dinner, tonight. It's like he was reading my mind, like he somehow knew just how desperately I needed to break my dead-end dating streak.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Top Five Faves!

Oh my god, this week has been such a cluster fuck! Between taking care of my kids, plus a few of my friends' kids, the seemingly never-ending yard work, and then filling every other spare moment messing around online - I can't tell if I'm coming or going (no pun intended, heh heh!) Through my recent online dating windfall, I have amassed the most incredible collection of great finds. I feel like I should hang up an "Out to Lunch" shingle just so I can process all that is transpiring, dole out ample attention to my faves, and get caught up on writing about everything! I resist reading new e-mails, looking at new profiles or opening my IM window, I can barely keep track of my growing list of favorites, as it is. Wanna hear about my Top Five?

After tucking in Roy (my cute, young market analyst and...a Top Five Fave) with one of my elaborately detailed bedtime stories, Soldier Boy Jack found me again for the first time since our lukewarm, maiden conversation, last Saturday and, man - did things heat up! This guy is definitely NOT the boy scout that I had him pegged to be! He is bar none, the most sexually diverse human with whom I have ever been in contact. Looking at my own sexual history, I realize that it has been only during these last four years since my divorce, that I have developed such a voracious appetite to fornicate, I've never been so horny in my whole entire life, as well as eager to entertain (most of) the myriad sexual methods and opportunities that have become newly at my disposal. I am way more comfortable in my skin these days, than I ever was as a young person, and I have learned that feeling relatively confident about one's naked body is tantamount to confident interaction with a lover. When I was a young adult, still very wet behind the ears, sexually, I had zero self-esteem, hated my body (what I wouldn't d to have it back now, sniff!) and even though I hooked up with plenty of guys, it was consistently hollow. There were only a handful of partners with whom I actually improved my scanty skills. Then during my marriage, I basically took a ten year hiatus from having sex. Yes, we did have sex to procreate, but outside of that, we barely ever did it and when we did it was dreadful, I think we may have had oral sex, once, maybe twice. My libido has been steadily climbing to unprecedented heights since I flew the coop however, and I feel fortunate to be able to continue dabbling in a wide array of exploits. That being said, when I juxtapose my resume to Jack's, mine pales in comparison - Jesus! Some of the stories that he casually recounted for me were practically inconceivable! Curiously, rather than being repelled, I was overjoyed to discover a whole library of sexual techniques previously unfamiliar to me. Even weirder was the fact that no matter how bizarre and way-out Jack's experiences, just hearing about them got me more turned on than I think I've ever been in my whole life. I'm sure I've made a similar declaration before, but this time I REALLY mean it, I swear to goodness! He puts these elaborate scenarios in front of me and I take them and run with them, I have masturbated like 3 times a day since I've been talking to him, and let me clarify; by "talking to him" I mean chatting online only, we have yet to talk on the phone, text, or view each other on the webcam - ya gotta love the power of the written word!

Top Five Fave Dean crept out of hiding the other night and interrupted my provocative dialog with Jack, I was powerless to resist his touching adulation, sincere (hope, hope!) or not, it melts my heart! I flipped back and forth between these, my two FAVORITES - until Dean asked if he could see me on the webcam. I reflexively said yes but that it would have to be just to say "Goodnight", I had a really early day the next day. Dean's delectable image appeared on my screen, I slid my arrow over to the T.V. icon preparing to oblige him as well, nearly clicked..uhhh...oh shit! "If I turn on my webcam, Jack will see the "view my webcam" invitation beside my acct. info and I will be so busted!" As badly as I wanted to indulge myself and Dean in a visual rendez-vous, I could not betray Jack like that. What the hell? I could've continued written conversations with them both but the frickin webcam would be a real hiccup, I couldn't put Dean off forever. What to do? At that very moment Jack closed his window (did I mention that he is unhappily married?) most likely his wife was harassing him for being online and even though I had no idea how long he'd be a.w.o.l. I suspected that he'd probably be back pretty soon looking for me. I guess I could've quickly gotten on the cam for Dean, and hoped that we would get it out of our systems before Jack got back online, but the chances of that happening were slim to instead I typed to Dean that one of my kids was up, and that I had to go, but that I would be back later on. I paced around my studio, trying to determine my options and all I could come up with was that I should just call it a night and explain to both through e-mails in the a.m., that I fell asleep while comforting my agitated child - seemed feasible, no? It was terribly difficult to shut both of them out like that, but this time I was convinced that greed would've bitten me in the ass, hard! I really like both of these guys and I just couldn't risk alienating one, or both of them.

Another of my Top Five Faves is Scott from WVa.. I think I told you guys about him a few entries ago. He is a tall, drink of water, looks like a professional baseball player and bears an eerie resemblance to my original Fave...Mark. He seems grounded, responsible and an involved, doting parent. Oh, and he rides an incredibly beautiful black, '07 Harley Nightrod (not typically a Harley gal, but this thing does look pretty sweet!) We've written to each other a few times, and I knew that he was going to be out of town for a couple of weeks - so I'd held off bothering him about getting together, until a few days ago, which was right about the time that I thought he'd have returned home. I wrote and wished him Happy Birthday, and reminded him that I would definitely like to meet him out sometime, if he was in the neighborhood (he lives pretty far away but visits a friend who lives fairly near to where I live, from time to time) which he still seemed hep to doing, oh goody!

Finally there is Regular Rick. This is the guy who Frances encourages me to pursue, and the guy who, out of all of my Top Five Faves, I have the least interest in actually meeting. He is the one whose phone call I won't answer if I'm playing with my other more interactive fellas. I dunno, he seems too safe or something. And maybe after I get all of this crazy behavior out of my system he will be just the type of guy I'll be seeking. But right now, I am too intrigued by my bad boys to put him at the head of the pack. This is where Frances absolutely loses patience with me, perplexed and frustrated by my foolish decision to put inappropriate choices; married men, men who live too far away, or ridiculously young men - in front of a guy who actually makes sense for me. I get that and all, but maybe I like the notion that I can have loads of fun with the ill-suited dudes, essentially eliminating the chance that they would make demands on my new-found, precious freedom.

The way I see it, I have pretty much all of the bases covered right now, but believe me...I know how suddenly the pendulum can swing in the opposite direction, at the moment though, I'm savoring this incredible balance that I've been so fortunate to acheive.

Roy is my fun, little boy toy, who works himself into a lather while listening captivated, to my fabricated stories of gratuitous, imaginary sex together. I am proud to discover that I am capable of using mere words without benefit of an actual image, to bring a person intense, physical pleasure, much the same way Ryan used to use his cleverly poetic methods to take me to that same special place.

Jack is my sexual swami, teasing me with the promise that together we will one day act out any number of the fantastical methods of sexploration which he touts. The jury is still out as to whether we will in fact consummate our desires, in the flesh some day. I know it literally CAN happen, he is definitely willing. I guess it just depends on me accepting the ultra-uncool idea of becoming someone's mistress, as well as gearing myself up to participate in some pretty fucked up sexual acts. Frances vehemently urges me to decline Jack's invitation, having herself trudged through a damaging extramarital quagmire. To mess around with a married man, (unhappily married or not) would be imprudent and I'm not convinced worth the potential backlash, no matter how intriguing the carrot that Jack dangles is.

Dean stubbornly refuses to admit that he really has no intention of ever meeting me in person, he lives 5 hours away and is still married, so what would be the chances much less the point in meeting anyway? We could never continue to see each other on a regular basis. He's so seemingly sincere in his excitement to have found ME, his ideal woman, the one who could potentially rescue him from his marital misery, that he can't wrap his brain around the undeniable reality that we will never actually meet. He is an enthusiastic optimist and it is nothing short of sweetly endearing, I just eat it up, and when we're chatting and viewing each other on the webcam, when we're "together" - I really do believe his earnestness. I love to gaze at his gorgeous, angular face, turquoise eyes glinting, dimples produced from his shy smile that reveals a genuine happiness to be spending time with me.

Scott is really the most realistic choice out of the group, that is if you don't consider the 3 hour geographical obstacle between us. He's dangerous enough to hold my attention but offers the true characteristics of a longterm boyfriend. Plus we are at similar places in life, which I rarely find in the guys I meet online; he's divorced, has kids and with him it would feel silly to tinker with diddling each other online. Nice!

And finally, there's Rick; fun enough to keep me entertained on the phone, lives nearby, good body and apparently totally normal and safe, snore!

If I had to predict, I would venture to say that by Wednesday of next week, the whole line-up will be dramatically different, what do you think?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Saturday afternoon, after I'd recovered from the bit with Leo, ('nother bullet, successfully dodged, I'm happy to report!) I went back to my computer and was agog at the enormously deeelicious selection of men, parading themselves around my favorite dating sites! First, there was soldier boy Jack with his reserved smile, upper lip like the letter "M" and eyes which bravely tried to conceal a vague sadness. I liked the photo of him in his fatigues, his Army issue t-shirt clung to his strong chest and was tucked into camo pants perfectly set about his trim waist, it was cute that his belt buckle was slightly off-center, I wondered if he'd done that on purpose. Jack was 31 but seemed younger, he had a collegiate-like manner about him, politely coy but not bland. I almost believed he could have been calling me from a fraternity house, or something. He ended our conversation abruptly, fussing because his dog had just pooped in the house, rats! I didn't want to be finished talking to him! I wondered if the dog really did poop or was this perhaps a sneaky way of getting out of having to continue what I suspected he thought was a boring conversation. After all, we hadn't talk about much, really and we never digressed from our careful small talk into the seedy sex jargon so typical of online flirting. I liked that he came across as fresh-faced and scrubbed, pure-ish, AND he lived fairly close to me, so that was a bonus, if we ever did decide to meet! My consolation for being ditched by Jack was Neil. He was a professional comedian or comic (what's the difference, anyway?) After a few rousing e-mails we decided to talk on the phone, which we did for almost 2 straight hours! It was really amazing, he did the craziest shit with his voice, seriously sounding like about 15 different people during our conversation. I laughed so hard the whole time, that my face muscles were cramping all the way around to the back of my head, I thought he was the cat's pajamas! He talked about sex and junk but it was all so hilarious, he didn't take himself or any of our discussion too seriously and though he was being brutally honest about stuff it was evident that he wasn't trying to turn me on, either, it was slyly informative and his presentation was original, I thought he was a stitch!

All right, so after hanging up with Neil I REALLY had to get back to my chores, I simply could not fritter away any more of this glorious summertime day on potential paramours - I HAD to get more tasks under my belt before setting out for the evening with my good girlfriend, Beth. She and I had planned to meet at the adult video store (my favorite toy had recently died and I was in dire need of a suitable replacement) that way I could park my car and hitch a ride with her, (our designated driver), into a neighboring town to scope out the action at a couple of fun bars. Wait...What was this? Was I actually considering swapping my nightly routine of plunking myself in front of my computer for hours and hours of guaranteed, satisfying online mingling, for the predictably disappointing bar scene? Oh, what the hell - if nothing else it would be a good opportunity to catch up with my friend, besides, Beth, unhappily married and fanatically participatory in traditional night life, assured me that we would have a blast!

Uhhhh..........Let's see, how do I put this? a nutshell, Beth's and my night out on the town.......SUCKED SHIT!!! It was painful to travel from bar to bar searching in vain for a good time. With each unsuccessful attempt I could feel Beth's hope fade, I didn't care so much about not meeting anyone, more that I was missing possible opportunities at home. All of this effort was definitely not worth the nuisance of having to put on make-up and heels! Not to mention that I spent way too much money, barely spoke to anybody, and got home too late and bleary-eyed to poke around on my computer, humph! Frankly, after such a disheartening promenade, I didn't care if I never set foot in another bar as long as I live. You know, I just have no idea what to expect when I'm out on the town, it's way too unpredictable. Some nights I might flirt my ass off, dance like crazy or even, perish the thought...end up hooking up with someone! But lots of times there's absolutely no one interesting to talk to or the guys I think are hot, aren't interested in me, at all. Conversely, online dating - tried and true, has rarely let me down, well purely from an entertainment standpoint, that is. I know I bitch about the slow times and all, but honestly, I often wish for a little more down time so that I might get caught up on my sadly neglected blog. I commonly have two or three entries at one time, swirling around inside my head, and out of all of those ideas, usually only one makes it to paper, before I have a whole new pile of juicier stories taking precedence over the remaining lot. I was talking recently with someone (online, naturally) about how the shift from traditional dating to computer dating has become somewhat commonplace, anymore. Think about it, and we've gone over some of this before, but behind the safety and protection of my computer monitor, protected by the fortress of my own abode and clad in the armor of my profile, I have the ability and the (pseudo?) confidence to talk to tons of guys most any time I get online. Out at bars and clubs, intimidation and uncertainty can sabotage the entire outing if the vibe is questionable or the pickings slim, plus I am shoulder to shoulder with my immediate competition. In my house, I am the only woman vying for the attention of the men with whom I communicate. That's not to say that I am necessarily the only girl they're talking to during that particular session but at least I don't have to see my opponents and it is much easier to be sure-footed if I can pretend that I am the only girl in a room surrounded by eager admirers. I am not as much of a fool as you might think, though. I know these guys are players, we all are! Lord knows I've been guilty of juggling three sometimes four conversations simultaneously. Once in awhile it's nothing short of serendipitous though, each convo. staggered so perfectly that I'm able to give sufficient attention so that none of the participants is the wiser. I have flubbed only a couple of times by typing in a response to the wrong recipient, whoops! That's a little embarrassing! Last night, however, I was being IM-ed by several hotties at once but wound up devoting all of my energy to one young man, Roy, who loves for me to type him fictitious bedtime stories about what it would be like if we met in a public park on a bench or at his office, let's say. Last night's tale rambled on for no less than an hour and in the process of verbally but inaudibly leading him to that special place, I was forced to leave a few beaus dangling.

I delight in the opportunity that online dating provides for me to check out so many more people than in a real life meat market, I can weed em out faster, be selective, there's no need to settle when there are so many choices. By the time I actually meet someone to whom I've been talking, if it comes to that, it's far less awkward, cuz we've already gotten to know each other a bit, which definitely trumps the awkwardness of the standard blind date. I can come and go with days even weeks in between communication with someone and usually no one gets their nose out of joint since there are so many replacements; fall-back guys and gals and that constant stream of new blood. This all goes back to my theory that folks may no longer be in a such a huge hurry to lock each other into committed, physical relationships, fucking around online is satisfactory enough, complete with safe even titillating, guilt-free sex, although my best friend Frances considers me something of an online "pro" and that I should be charging a fee to get all of these guys off, HA! Doesn't she realize it's reciprocal, least a little bit, most of the time, right?

Curiously these days, I am the most content I've been in eons in regards to men and relationships, seriously! Thanks entirely to my casual, online escapades, I no longer suffer from crippling heartaches, and debilitating stomach aches so prevalent in my real life relationships. If a good one or two fall by the wayside, I simply tap into to the wealth of potentials and stand-bys at my disposal and lightheartedly chase the next lead. I liken it to my blog entries, sometimes before I have the chance to get a humdinger written, a more glittering golden nugget crops up to 86 the one I'd originally thought to be so spectacular. I rarely remember which stories were usurped by their subsequent victors, just as I painlessly, permanently delete those guys who vanish from my ever-changing line-up.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Hmmm....Haven't Heard This One Before

Saturday morning after only about 3 hours of sleep, I dragged my weary ass over to my studio, to check on business. The night before had only produced one seriously intriguing new contact, Dean, but there were obvious drawbacks to getting involved with him; he lived so far away, with his wife still, and he was the type of guy that I could easily "fall for". The situation definitely harkened back to my Mark catastrophe, and I told myself if Dean and I were to continue to communicate, I would need to try and remain emotionally disconnected and just enjoy it for all that we could ever actually be sex buddies. But just a leetle while after getting my computer warmed up, I was inundated with e-mails and IM's from an array of delicious dudes, and as hard as I tried to walk away from my computer and get busy outside in my neglected yard, I couldn't resist investigating all of my new leads. Oh goodie! One man, Leo, from Washington D.C., 34 years old, half Italian half Turkish, fairly attractive, ridiculously wealthy and not married (so he said) e-mailed me and we quickly got into a captivating conversation. He asked me what it was I was looking for through online dating. I answered with my patent reply (which I hope I really do believe), "The final, truest love of my life, my forever boyfriend" I then asked him the same, to which he responded by saying - in so many words, that he was looking for an attractive woman to have sex with, regularly, not really looking for a girlfriend, per se, more like a fuck buddy. He then asked me if I had any interest in "applying for the job". He asked me what my expenses were each month and I told him that I always owed a lot more money than I generated, he laughed (lol). I was still trying to absorb what it was, exactly, that we were talking about, here. I mean it sounded to me like he was offering to pay me if I would agree to have regular sex with him...Yep, that was precisely what he was saying, there was no mistaking it - cuz Leo did not mince words, lemme tell ya - this guy cut right to the chase. He asked if I was on birth control - "Yes" - good. Next, he asked if I would be able to commit to having sex with him 2 - 3 times a week and if so, how much money did I think would be reasonable payment. I was like, "Uuhhhh.....I couldn't accept cash from you or any other boyfriend, in fact if we ever went out on a date I would offer to go Dutch treat." I was so confused, hadn't he heard me say that I was looking for a BOYFRIEND? He was rabidly persistent, acting like he couldn't take no for an answer and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, he said he needed to go and he closed his IM screen, hmmm...I couldn't help but wonder if his wife had just busted him, hee, hee! Maybe he'd grown so frustrated with my ambiguity that he had to bolt, or...maybe he just had to go potty, really badly! Regardless the reason for his hasty withdrawal from our provocative tete a tete, I was kind of glad to be off the hook for a minute, and not have to discuss it with him for now. I had a hunch that he'd be back though, so in the interim I tried to digest all that he had said to me. I extricated myself from my computer chair, and set about tackling the chores that I was determined to complete on this Saturday with no children at home. I tasked away but kept festering over this conundrum. I'm going to be completely honest with you here, there was something borderline enticing about his proposition. I was all alone in my house and yard, working for hours, mulling the whole thing over, trying to comprehend all that he had said. It didn't seem possible that a millionaire would choose little ole me, middle aged with 4 kids, out of the pack of possibles as his ideal, sex servant. My brain was going off in about a thousand different directions, at once disgusted by his suggestion and then paradoxically, thinking "He is pretty good-looking, and I am so poor!" I was undeniably attracted to the element of danger, and felt this strange sense of pride over the fact that he'd chosen me. What if he turned out to be an incredible lover? And what if we wound up falling in love against all odds? I got kinda lost in this extreme, perverse fantasy that was unlike any that I'd ever concocted before, and for whatever reason, it got me so riled up that I had to go to my room and get myself off - twice.......Wait a minute! Was I actually considering doing this? It was utterly taboo....SNAP OUT OF IT! God, what a dumbass! What we were talking about, here, was prostitution, plain and simple! This was literally NOT an option. Had it really come to this, was I so burnt out on the traditional means of dating online that I was willing to resort to contraband methods? I went back to my computer and Leo was there, as well - trying to find me again. I thought about simply not responding to his IM, but I knew that if I didn't, he'd hound me indefinitely. I reminded him that what I was looking for, was a real relationship, all warm and fuzzy; phone calls for no reason, going to the store together, swinging in a hammock, farting, meeting each other's parents, the whole package, not ONLY the sex, and sex for money, for that matter. He tried to wrangle me back into his ploy by promising me that he was a good kisser and that I would love him, that he would eat my pussy for 5 hours. I began to reconsider...NO I DIDN"T, I'm only joking!

After a sufficient amount of resistance from my end, he finally concluded that I was not the right girl for him, that he was definitely looking for something else...DUH! What perplexed me in the end was why a decent guy like Leo (we'll give him the benefit of a doubt, why don't we) with his money, average good-looks, and moderate charm, couldn't fetch a regular, old girlfriend on his own merits. Was there something so inherently wrong with him, that he had to pay women to sleep with him on a regular basis? Or was he simply disinterested in dealing with all the superfluous fluff that goes along with a traditional relationship? I apologized and so did he and we each wished each other the best of luck in our quests. And it was done. I was so relieved that my sensible head had stepped up to the plate, and ushered my foolish heart back, full circle, to the place where we were when this whole thing started...all alone in front of my computer monitor…and it felt GREAT!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Ho Hum...NOT!

Ok, so by Friday night, I was overwhelmed by ennui due to my dull online dating doldrums. I'll be honest, I was so bored, I actually watched the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics. I NEVER turn on the T.V., well...almost never! But this week, not a soul had really caused my ears to prick. I mean aside from my date with Alan, which led to absolutely nothing, the whole week had crept along at a snail's pace, and it definitely wasn't from a lack of correspondence. I'd received and answered a ton of e-mails and I'd been talking to some fairly respectable prospects, but I hadn't met anyone so spectacular that I was falling all over myself to go out and meet them in person. I began to wonder if I was simply becoming disenchanted with the whole fucking online dating business, altogether.

By Friday evening I would have to say that my favorite guy out of this mediocre bunch, was the tall, toned Italian cop, a little younger than I'd prefer, but he's got the nose, that angular, strong nose that I love! I like the way that he writes, he makes very few mistakes (maybe he's smart!), and he's pretty brass tacks about wanting to know how I like my sex, as well as more than willing to divulge his own personal style of love-making (no shrinking violet, he!) He told me that he likes it rough, and asked if I had a problem having my hair pulled, to which I replied, "No"...and I assured him that in the bedroom I tend to be a follower, not a leader...I like to be bossed around. We sent a few somewhat, but not too revealing photos of ourselves, ensuring that we were seeing up-to-date and accurate images of each other. We toyed with the idea of getting together, Friday night. But you know what? A date with the Italian had all the makings of the classic booty call, and I really just didn't feel like being a piece of meat right then, so I kinda hoped that we'd both completely lose the momentum to plan a date. Next there was the shortish, Greek guy who has these sort of sleepy eyes, I couldn't decide if he was really cute, or not. Oh, and surprise, surprise - he's way too young for me! He really did come across as a gentleman however, offering to take me to dinner at one of the nicer resturants in my town (saving me the hassle of having to drive far out of town, also rawther considerate!) but I've been kind of avoiding him, because I'm not totally convinced that this one is worth the effort, either - but for the exact opposite reason than the Italian. The Greek guy seems too nice, where the Italian is borderline frightening (I tend to gravitate towards the Danger Boys, heh, heh!) and besides...they're both TOO GODDAMNED YOUNG! Then there was the goofy video guy (not the other one from Maryland) this one looked kind of like the guy who's married to Tricia Yearwood, oh what the heck's his name, Mel, Mitch...something oh what is it? Anyway, he's kind of sandwiched in between the two Mediterranean guys, he seems funny and fun-loving, but borders on being overzealous and overly-excited - which I find to be a bit off-putting. He is the right age though, and I doubt that I'd have to fend him off physically, if we went on a date - he just came across as too submissive or something. All of these guys were totally fine, but I was hoping for a bit more. Despite my discouraging batting average, I became diligent in my efforts, (after zoning out on some T.V. for awhile) to find someone who might rock my world, and at precisely 11 p.m., I did just that...Score! A direct hit! I had came across this gorgeous hunk who had peeked at my profile, so I immediately took a gander at his. Did I mention that he was GORGEOUS? And he definitely possessed the danger element, he had bad boy written all over him. I immediately sent him an e-mail, then he sent one to me, then he IM'd me, then we moved over to Yahoo and then we turned on the webcams. He was REALLY GORGEOUS, and confident, and complimentary, and it was feeling like there was a genuine connection, a sincere mutual interest in each other, no shit! He was definitely the kind of guy I've been looking for, athletic (he's played pro. soccer) great face and bod., cool. But as much as I wanted to believe that this man, Dean, could be just the panacea I'd been seeking for my dating curse - there were glaring complications...Dean lives with his wife (strike 1), in Cincinnati (strike 2) And it did cross my mind that he could possibly know Mark. (strike 3?) Maybe since Mark was so done with me, he had selflessly donated his (not so) sloppy seconds to a good buddy, thinking, "Good riddance!". I asked some vague-ish questions (can't even remember what they were now), but following my inquiries and Dean's answers, I deduced that the Mark and Dean did NOT, in fact, know each other! Ok, so just two strikes. Anyway, before I knew it - it was 1 a.m., and Dean still hadn't made any overly-suggestive comments. Was it possible that this guy actually did like me, plain and simple? At the time it didn't even seem that far-fetched, we had an incredibly facile rapport with one another, and I was certain that I was liking him, as well. Anyway, the instant I told him my alarm was set for 5 :15 a.m. and that I must shuffle off to dreamland, THAT'S when Dean made it known that he had a raging hard-on and wondered if I wanted him to go all the way on the camera for me? My heart sank. I had been so believing that he might be genuinely digging me as he had emphatically expressed, you know like how blown away he was to have met someone like me, that this was just too weird because we'd both happened upon the type of person for which we'd each been searching, fruitlessly up til this point, and we kept randomly typing in the same questions and comments to each other simultaneously and practically verbatim, it was a little freaky. After he revealed that he wanted to take our impromptu, online "date" to that next level, I couldn't help but feel like a chump. I guess he really had just wanted to get off the whole time, but only admitted it when I was on the brink of pulling the plug on our convo.. This was becoming all too reminiscent of my deal with Mark. Now look, when I feel a deep connection with someone, I try to parlay that energy into a viable relationship, even if the logistics render it difficult or even doomed. I've been known to be unrealistically optimistic in relationships, the more forbidding the challenge, the more determined I am to make it work. Sometimes it does work, other times it tragically nose-dives. In a perfect world I would meet a man with whom I share uncanny, physical electricity, we'll get to know each other a little bit, and then have sex, even if it is unconventional, at first. Ultimately, he will become my devoted, forever lover. Reaching this goal provides the impetus behind why I am actually subjecting myself to all of this nonsense. Yes, I sometimes get distracted and do dumb shit, but it wasn't that way with Mark - I actually liked him, and no matter how grim our situation appeared to be logistically, I always devoured the time that we spent "together" (albeit unorthodox most times), and held onto sanguine expectations that we would someday meet in person, and fall completely, and madly in love. The guys on these dating sites, however, appear to be nothing more than sexual predators. Mark is a perfect example since he has recently made it crystal clear to me that he never experienced any emotion for or with me. Must've been all about the "sex", neat-o. I couldn't rebut the notion that this was precisely Dean's m.o., as well; butter 'em up with sweet talk and compliments, and then have your way with them or FOR them, as the case may be. Suddenly I rationalized that I could desensitize myself to this degrading conduct and utilize it for sheer physical pleasure, minus all the emotional garbage. Since Mark was completely out of the picture, maybe Dean could become my new webcam buddy (what is it with those Ohio boys, anyway?) Hey, if they give you lemons, you make lemonade, right? I subjected myself to his desire to have me watch him get himself to that happiest of happy places on the webcam, but I resisted actively participating, and he was cool with that. He simply asked if I would look directly into the camera for him, which I did, fully clothed in a dingy, old tee and a nubby brown fleece. I'm not gonna lie to you, I was insanely turned on! He stood up and let me see him but went out of view just as he climaxed. He was cute cuz he seemed really confused and kinda out of sorts, immediately following the deed (does that to me, too!) He apologized, but felt he needed to end our visit, posthaste, I spose my work there was done. After promising to call the next day, (uhhh, yeah) he said goodnight and signed off of his computer...

I was absolutely floored when I discovered that Dean had already tried to reach me through IM, early the next day. I will be curious to see if this little interlude winds up to be the first of many, and even more curious to see if what I got on our first "date", is pretty much all that I'll ever get.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Another one Bites the Dust

Ok, so Tuesday, Alan and I texted each other intermittently throughout the day, nothing terribly interesting, just fairly boring, chit chat, mostly. At one point, late in the day, he asked if I had been glad, the other night, that he/Alan/my date, hadn't turned out to be any of those three guys who were at the bar with me before he/Alan/my date had gotten there. I thought this was an odd question, he came across as being unnecessarily insecure and needing his ego stroked or something, and I couldn't figure out why was he even thinking about those guys? He hadn't interacted with them at all. Naturally, next - I let my classic, wild imagination off the leash, and concocted a (most-likely completely) harebrained theory. You ready? What if the three guys at the bar had been Alan's friends or workmates or something, and what if he'd asked them to be at the bar so that they could scope me out for him? And what if the whole business about him having mistakenly ending up at the wrong bar was nothing more than a facet of the whole shifty ruse. It's possible that he asked the three guys to size me up, and to then text him with a full report, that way he could decide, before getting locked into something potentially miserable, if our date should transpire or not. K, so I guess we'd have to suppose then that the three guys at the bar must've given him adequate enough positive feedback to motivate Alan to go through with the date and only at that point did he have the cajones to finally meet me at the bar. I know it's probably totally off the mark, but coming up with these far-fetched stories is sort of my trademark. Now my wheels were really turning! I was thinking, "Ok, he's friends with those guys...and the next day they were probably ribbing him at work about his date (his very first online date, mind you!) and busting his chops, maybe teasing him that I'd seemed more interested in them or know how guys sometimes do". I told myself that anything I said to him would get back to the three and that's when I decided to crank this snooze-fest up a notch. Instead of coddling his psyche by half-heartedly blabbering on and on about only having eyes for him, I went the complete opposite direction and replied to his insecure text with, "I was definitely glad it wasn't the short one, but there was nothing wrong with the other two, the bald guy had really pretty eyes" Was that a horribly cruel thing for me to say? I seriously have no couth, have I…cuz quite honestly, the bald one was absolutely gorgeous - trim, strong body and the most vivid blue eyes...ever, with long dark lashes, and it wouldn't have hurt my feelings at all, if he somehow found out that I thought so. I did not hear from Alan again until later in the evening when he sent a perplexing text, "Ey Isabella"........Huh? I swear to god for the life I me I had no idea what the heck this meant. Believe me, this was not the first time that reading his texts was like deciphering hieroglyphics, he was adept at struggling to make his messages clear. Perhaps it had something to do with the bald guy's eyes, or "Ey" as the case may be, who knows. I didn't waste too much time mulling it over and since I had no earthly idea how to respond, I opted not to. Besides, at this point I was online getting cozy with an Adonis-like 19 year old from Chicago, who was preparing to return to George Washington University in D.C., in September. I made it very clear to him, that he was way too young for me to even entertain meeting him...after all - there were more years between us than he was even old! But he insisted that he was only interested in dating older women, his last "girlfriend" had been 47. Jesus! He swore it wasn't just the milf thing, he wanted a relationship with an older women, uh huh…sure ya do, baby boy. Anyhoo, his was definitely not the first testimonial I'd heard from young guys who'd become addicted to the experience and savvy that a "mature" lover brings to a relationship, and consequently how challenging it can be to then have to settle for the clulessness of younger gals, afterwards. We ended it that when he got back to school in the Fall, MAYBE he could come out here to the country and model for me and a few of my artist friends. We really are always trying to find people willing to pose for us, I SWEAR! And since he WAS a flawless male specimen and all, I simply couldn't resist throwing it out there...In all likelihood though, we will never speak to each other again, because that is the very nature of all of this online communication garbage. People are attracted to a photo and, motivated by boredom, they strike up a conversation with someone who they never intend to meet in person, nor even speak to again, most times. This epidemic behavior is the by-product of a curious syndrome I've noticed recently, which directly correlates to online dating. In my best estimation, there are not going to be a whole lot of successful, lasting relationships forged through internet dating. I think lots of people, like myself, go into this ludicrous charade, sincerely hoping, believing that they will meet their ideal soul mate, bypassing the bleak bar scene, in order to meet droves of hopefuls who are milling about on the internet - and all from the safety of their own homes, (in their jammies if they want for Lord's sake!), at a modicum of expense, sometimes engaging in the safest sex possible, with the ultimate goal of ending their dismal search forever. They ardently embark on the mission, chasing as many leads as physically possible, striking up abundant conversations - some of which culminate into the holy grail of online dating; a real live, actual date, very few of which wind up amounting to much, at least that's been my personal experience. This is where my being selective (What? Don't laugh...again!) further diminishes my own probability for success. I have had the good fortune of going on a few really nice dates with decent people who I met online, some of whom, by all accounts, were real boyfriend material, and still...nothing has stuck. I don't know if it's cuz I'm hypercritical of most of the men that I meet, or if it's cuz I really enjoy the time that I spend with my kids and my friends, and I know that introducing someone new into that scenario can be nothing short of a monkey wrench, at times. Maybe it's cuz I am finally able to embrace the mandatory alone-time that coincides with the time my kids spend with their dad. This craving for isolation often renders me incapable of allowing potential suitors to stick around for very long. Or perhaps I am simply stricken with a deplorable "grass is always greener" mentality, making it extremely difficult to abate my addiction to mingling online, afraid that I might miss an opportunity to discover that next best thing. Hell, I could still be dating Thierry, or maybe Ben, or even the new guy Alan - if I had been working in earnest towards manifesting a serious relationship. I could definitely have scored that ever-elusive "boyfriend" by now if I had played my cards differently, but would I have been settling for someone who may not be exactly right for me? (Is anyone ever EXACTLY right for anybody else, though?) Why bother settling though, when there are throngs of available men to meet online! I guess if I was resolute about wanting to find my forever lover, I would start by only talking with people who were reasonable, potential mates: no one under the age of 35, no one living outside of my slated 50 mile radius, and no one already involved in a relationship. Trying to find guys who meet these criteria is startlingly difficult, and since I am completely boy crazy, I find it nearly impossible to put blinders on to the plethora of choices out there who don't meet my sensible requirements. It's exhausting and rarely effectual to try to meet people out at bars. The time, the effort, the predictable disappointment, the money, and the risk of getting a DUI make it so prohibitive. The few times that I have actually met guys at bars who wound up becoming my boyfriends, I think I was so relieved to have simply met someone at all, that I foolishly glommed onto them because I was downright tired of looking. So what am I really trying to get out of dating online? Am I using it as entertainment to fill idle time? Am I seriously looking for the man of my dreams? Have I fallen so in love with writing this blog that I must remain a serial online dater in order to keep the inspiration for my entries flowing? Which brings me back to my syndrome theory - to me it just seems like because of internet dating, folks like myself are becoming lazy about forming traditional man/woman relationships. This is a no-pressure way to: a.) meet tons of people, while not necessarily even needing to leave the safety of one's home in order to do so, b.) spend virtually no money in the process, c.) never really have to worry about what you look like (unless of course the webcam is involved, tee, hee) and d.) not have to alter one's home life one iota, to make room for an in-the-flesh, warm body. I frequently find it sufficiently satisfying to go to bed at night after enjoying (well, most times...) having talked to any number of fellas, doing the honors of pleasuring myself, (if I am aroused enough to feel like messin' with that) and finally hunkering down under the covers next to no one, well...besides my two devoted pups.

Wednesday morning, I sat bolt upright in my bed and laughed out loud! I think I figured it out! Alan, in his last text to me had written "Fy Isabella" which I deduced could be a sneaky abbreviation or even a typo for "fuck you Isabella"? And I reckon (if my hunch was even remotely spot on) that he must've been irked by my comment about the bald guy. After making my alleged discovery, I couldn't resist texting back, "think you meant to say "F U Isabella" and btw, my name is not Isabella" So, another decent, real life date ultimately ends in disaster...again - shocking!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

"Right Back in the Cock Saddle!!!!!"

I invite you all to join me in a toast to celebrate garnering my very first Big Ugly Blog comments - Yippee!!! Someone (NOT one of my 4 or 5 devoted readers, I later deduced) had read the "Just a Little Confused, That's All" entry (I considered this to be an accomplishment, in and of itself!) and afterwards they were impelled enough to make their feelings known. I could not wait to find out what they had said, Oh Joy!...To my dismay though, I soon discovered that this was sadly, not positive feedback. Both "comments" were instead - succinct and acutely hostile personal attacks (motivated by jealousy, I surmised), their terseness indicating to me, without a doubt, who the author indeed, must have been. And I'm sure my one-way, anonymous pen-pal would be overjoyed to know that my initial glee from simply having received reader input, was quickly quashed by consternation. So - "Cheers!" to the big man, for that! I know that pointing the finger of blame when the clues are so vague is pure conjecture, and even if I'm wrong about who the cowardly culprit actually was, my supposition did at least alleviate my malaise from having, for those first few, brief seconds, worried that some random stranger had slung these antagonistic barbs my way. My thoughts morphed from utter embarrassment, "Yipes! I can't publish these comments!" to ire, "That Mother Fucker! How dare he bother me here!" to absurd optimism, "Oh my god, wait! I never thought I'd even hear from him again..." On the e-mail page I was given the options of rejecting these comments or posting them, and my knee-jerk reaction was to REJECT, REJECT, REJECT!!! desperately wanting them to disappear FOREVER! But then it dawned on me that I have intentionally gotten myself into this fairly vulnerable spot by essentially soliciting folks for their advice and opinions, positive or pejorative - and even though I was hoping for mad props for penning an amusing blog, seemed I better prepare myself to deal with inevitable backlash, like a big girl.

...As you know, last night I was to meet Alan out for the most "blind" date on which I've ever been. Not only had I never seen him, but I had never even spoken to him, not so much as a voice to go with my fabricated image of him. The only ways that we had ever communicated, were through texting and IM-ing. By all accounts, this was quite a crap shoot. Our plan was to meet at the bar in this fabulous, recently renovated, historic hotel, downtown. I absolutely love the room, high ceilings, dark walls, enormous fireplace, 'tis truly a sophisticated, sexy space and definitely my new favorite bar in town. The way I saw it, even if the date was shitty at least I could revel in the majesty of beautiful surroundings. We texted back and forth to let each other know of our whereabouts and apparently he had gotten there before me because he texted, "I'm here" When I finally made my grand entrance, I was surprised to see a group of 3 guys at the bar...Had he brought two friends along on our date? I scoped 'em all out, trying to figure out which one was my guy and I made eye contact with the second best looking one of the bunch, and gave him an inquisitive smile, as if to say, "Have I got the right fella?" He smiled back and his friend grabbed my arm and said, "come 'ere! You're sittin' with us!" Ohhh, silly me...none of these guys were my date. (Although the one in the middle was really cute!) I filled them in on my situation and began to spout off about online dating and how much fun it is, my usual sales pitch, when I was interrupted by a text from Alan wondering where I was. After a series of messages,we figured out that he had mistakenly shown up at the neighboring bar, so I offered to meet him out front, to make sure that he ended up at our target destination. I am extremely near-sighted and when I saw him round the corner, I was pretty sure that he looked ok, but not 100%. A few paces later he was clearly in my view and I was not at all disappointed. Honestly, he looked exactly the way he had described himself to me; he was tall, a big man but not fat, sort of a barrel middle, huge forearms, a dark, closely cropped, full head of hair, nice suntan and a pleasant face. We greeted each other with a big ole bear hug. I appreciated that he had accurately described himself and by doing so, I now believed that he had to possess at least a little integrity. We got ourselves comfy at the bar and the neighboring threesome got in a few sly digs, and then piped down for the remainder of their stay. Alan and I each had one drink and then opted to dine in a nearby hole-in-the-wall which offered slightly more casual fare. We got to my car first and I do believe he was smitten... with my car! It IS insanely cool! I turned my little car around in the middle of the street and waited for him to pull up behind me so we could caravan to the restaurant. Once we were parked I got to get a good look at HIS vehicle and I immediately fell in love...with his car! Oh my god! It was the niftiest Jeep I have ever seen up close, dark green, 4 spot lights mounted on the top, wench in the front, a big stowage rack on top fully equipped with a jack and a little shovel, SHIT! Blows my mind how the vehicle can impact one's perception of the person. Alan was looking better to me every minute! He was soft-spoken but rugged and he had a gentle giant kinda way about him. We enjoyed ease of quiet conversation and I was so relieved when he sprinkled his input with cuss words. I can't handle having to watch my own language, it's so stifling. He seemed to be something of an enlightened person, spiritual but not religious (he's studying, uncomplicated yet evolved. Once we were through with dinner we strolled up and down the Old Town Mall, I was amazed at the slow pace at which he lumbered along, I could barely put the brakes on enough for him to keep up. I had to wonder if it was because he didn't want the date to be over. We ended up back at the lot where our cars were parked at which time we carefully inspected each other's vehicles some more, fun! And then it was time to go home. We agreed that we'd had a nice time, hesitated, hugged...a little tighter this time, walked away, hugged again at which time he awkwardly planted a quick kiss almost on my mouth. It was cute to see such a hulk of a guy, so out of sorts. I reckon he'd been pleased with how our date had gone, as was I. I wasn't totally blown away by him, but I wasn't completely repulsed either - like I had been so many times before. Ya see, this is where the whole blog thing rears its big ugly head...Was this perfectly acceptable date good enough to draw me away from my addiction to online dating? Hard to say. All I do know, is that as soon as I was back home, and after considering going straight to bed, I ultimately gave in to the temptation that was waiting for me on my computer.

Oh, and for those of you who may be curious as to whether I bought condoms before this date or not...the answer is NO! I still had all of the ones I bought the night of the young pilot safely stored in the glove box of my cute, little car, so HA!