'Twas indeed a bit puzzling to learn that several of my wonderful readers had felt this sort of "sadness" while reading my last Big Ugly post. (Sadness? Y'all serious?) One concerned pal even went so far as to describe the last entry as being "heartbreaking", sheesh - are you kidding me? I was a little taken aback, because that was definitely not the atmosphere that I'd aimed to evoke. Quite the contrary really. As a matter of fact, I had kind of hoped that I'd expressed contentment with my current situation...by brandishing what I considered to be a healthy mindset resultant of my relief to be putting less pressure on myself to find a mate, as well as near jubilation from having rid my life of certain people who I've only recently come to realize, have been strip-mining my naive willingness to always be at their beck and call. In exchange for shelving my traditionally insatiable push to find a man, and bending over backwards for "friends" who take shameful advantage of me, I was focussing on appreciating and enjoying the true friends who I still hold dear. While also recognizing, that as long as I always have my dear sweet chillin's in my world, if for some reason I do end up totally friendless, I could actually be ok with that. I consider it a good thing, that since my horrific break-up with Jimmy (more than two years ago) I have learned to love my freedom and independence and periodic, self-mandated isolation from others. Which is a far cry better than when I relied on my poor friends to prop me back up, each of the innumerable times that I made my crippling bouts of loneliness (post Jimmy) my friends' problem, as well...There's nothing so sad about any of that now...is there?
Maybe though, my concerned readers weren't feeling a sympathetic sadness at all. Perhaps it was more like, "woah...now that's a sad existence"...that for an individual to display such a savage cynicism and a lack of humanity...was really just a "sad" frame of mind for any human to ever affectionately embrace.
What I'm doing now though, is operating from this strange state of sunny doom and gloom, if that makes any sense. For the moment, I'm not gonna burden myself with the pressure of finding something long term with a man, because right this minute, I question the veracity of the very concept. But it's not as though I have totally given up on love and romance and all of that. It's just that I'm not entirely convinced that any relationship can last forever, that's all. And if I go at all of this, expecting very little, then if true love ever does find me, wouldn't that be a most pleasant surprise.
Yooz guys don't need to worry about me, good lord knows...Yes, I play the poor, poor pitiful me card, ad infinitum...and I can come across as nasty as hell and bitter as sin at times - but overall I'm good...just know that. Great, in fact...